


maybe its a case of paranoia

by thesassykels66



Series: On the road again (tour fic) [5]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Existential Crisis, Paranoia, Phan - Freeform, Phan Fluff, heart to heart conversations, interactive introverts, supportive boyfriends, tour bus cuddles, us tour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-13 20:53:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15373113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesassykels66/pseuds/thesassykels66
Summary: Dan hasn't uploaded a "real" danisnotonfire video in a few months, and still no activity while being on tour. Maybe there's a reason behind that





	maybe its a case of paranoia

**Author's Note:**

> I got this prompt from an anon! It stuck out to me and I just wrote away  
> hope you enjoy!

The familiar feeling swells around him like a dark looming cloud over his shoulders. Sometimes it would pass because he eventually forgot it existed. Other days it nagged and pulled and tugged until he was forced to itch it into acknowledgement. His fingers twitched over his keyboard and he nearly winces whenever he thinks of hitting that upload button. 

It had been 4 months since his last "authentic"  _danisnotonfire_ video. Which he considered silly, because he felt like the workload never stopped. He was editing, he was managing, creating, producing, overlooking files and editing yet again. Dan was even putting more ideas into his video list. 

But that itch still crawled on the back of his neck. 

And there was no room to lay face down on the floor of a tour bus, surrounded by his crew members. 

Dan's fingers tapped anxiously against his thigh as he subconsciously stuck his other set of fingers close to his mouth, letting them on his lips. The bad habit of nail biting was still triggered by even the smallest ounce of stress for him. Eventually it ceased as he made slight eyes of Phil on the adjacent couch, laughing at the film the crew decided to put on. 

Dan knows he shouldn't have, but the flood of on-going questions  _where is the june vid? dinof soon? When is the next video Dan?_ made his mouse click open on the file. He sees the video in the editing dock, nearing at about 23 minutes and a few clips that still needed to be added, (let alone word flubs that need to be taken out), sound effects that needed to be added, and even just smooth transitions. He cringed as his own voice filtered in through his headphones. 

A sudden kick to the foot broke him out of his trance, and he's thankful for it. His assistant sat next to him with an eager smile and an offering of a beer. The smell of freshly microwaved popcorn filled the tight space, and Marianne was found opening a brand new bag of pretzels. Dan sighed as he closed his laptop and watched it get passed down a line of crew to be put on the small table.

He was on tour, with great company and even greater snacks, he could worry about a stupid simple video later. 

\---

Dan doesn't know what time it is, but he knows it's late. In his head imagining life of solidarity on a tour bus for days on end sounded fun, until he was actually in the moment. The engine was loud, someone was always snoring, and he didn't have a ice footed Phil sleeping next to him. His privacy curtain kept hitting his arm as he rolls over and his sheets smell funny. One second he's sweating and the next he's shivering. Dan has been used to tour life thus far, but the demon in his head still comes around to make a suffocating visit every once in a while. 

Eventually Dan forces himself out of his bunk and takes his steps gingerly to the lounge at the back of the bus. He closes the door behind him and lays all across the entire sofa. The rapid race of his heartbeat still drumming at high speed as he forces his eyes to make connections of telephone lines, other cars, and ongoing dark scenery outside the window. 

He logs himself back onto his computer and is greeted by his face again: clean shaven and mid sentence. Back home in his filming set, talking about something he doesn't feel is even important with sharing with the world anymore. Not having a slight anxiety attack. Dan suddenly wishes he could continue to edit the tour trailer some more, just to keep his mind occupied and his channel still afloat. 

He clicks on the "file" tab in the corner to save when suddenly a striking option catches his eye, the dangerous option of "delete project". He hates that he considers it. Dan has scrapped many videos countless times. He has trashed the entirety of some and started completely over, and even had to hack the system to bring back a project he accidentally deleted. His left index finger softly shakes over the the option, before someone opens the door and yawns as they enter the dark room. 

"Jesus, you scared me," Dan muttered under his breath, feeling Phil take the spot next to him. His head automatically clinging to Dan's shoulder. 

"What you doin?" Phil asks, sleep heavily coated in his voice. 

"I can ask you the same, Lester." 

"Had to pee," He yawned, "You thinking about uploading?"

"Ha, funny." Dan swirls the mouse around, tracing little details around his own features before scribbling over his own face. He feels like he should continue with an excuse, but Dan has no will to say anything, so he shrugs. Clicking "save" on the project and closing the program. Heavily sighing as he was greeted by his idea list once again. Phil chuckles into his ear.

"I like that one," He points to the bullet on the screen, "You could do that one." 

"Not sure if it's the right time," His words taste bitter, and his heart rate still isn't slowing. 

"Okay, what about that one?" 

Dan shrugs again, "Meh, don't know how to even end it on a positive note." 

Phil scrolls down a bit, "We could do that one together, y'know." 

Dan smiles, because they easily could. A topic many people would literally kill to see them cover, but fear still strikes him strong in the heart. He bites his lip and minimizes the window, and replaces his laptop for Phil's warm hands. 

"I know we could," he whispers close to Phil's ear, drawing him closer, "but... it just won't fit." 

Phil scoffs, "You say that every time. I thought it was suddenly about 'living your truth'?" 

"It is, and I feel like I finally am." 

"Well that's good, then." 

They sit and absorb in the silence for a moment. It's the closest they've been all day. Dan's fingers lazily grazing their way up and down Phil's arm as Phil's breath paints down Dan's neck and chest. 

This was something Dan needed. 

"Do you think I need to upload?" Dan breaks the silence, finding his hands trail their way up to Phil's neck and scratch gently against his scalp. 

"I think you should do what you're most comfortable with putting out, if you want to upload." 

Dan rolls his eyes, because he hates when Phil is right. But he also feels like he'll never be comfortable with putting anything out. 

"Okay you spoon, but do you think I  _need_ to?"

"Would you like to see activity on your channel again?" 

"Well yeah. Maybe. I dunno." 

"See that sweet, sweet adsence roll back into our account?"

Dan fully scoffed, "Yeah, like monetization is a huge success on my channel," he jokes.

"Is there something that you want to do, but having something hold you back?"

Dan laughs, "Of course Phil, many things" He teases. 

"Tell me one," Phil wraps his arms around Dan's torso and nuzzles in deeper. 

He hesitates, "Well, I do have one idea. One you'll probably not like." 

"Hit me," 

"And it's not necessarily something that's holding me back it's just kinda something that I've been thinking about and wanting to do, maybe it'll help..."

Phil waited patiently, "So are you going to tell me or am I going to have to guess?" He catches Phil's tired eyes behind his glasses.

Dan takes a shaky sigh, he even hates that he's thinking it, but it's been the most comforting thought he's had ever since uploading his depression video. "I think, maybe, I should take a break?" 

"Hmm?" Phil raises his head and Dan instantly feels cold, "You want to quit?"

"No not quit, not like delete the channel or anything. But maybe just, not worry about danisnotonfire right now?" He doesn't know why he's forming everything like a question. He doesn't need Phil's approval for what he should or shouldn't do. But his heart still does a jittery dance while watching his reaction. 

"So like, what you're doing right now?"

Dan groans, "I guess, but make it like a formal hiatus." He combs his hands through his hair, "Ugh, even saying it out loud sounds so fucking pathetic." 

Phil pets the outside of Dan's hand, "You want to make a video saying you're abandoning your channel for a bit?"

Dan's face drops, "Don't say it like that," 

"What? Isn't that what you want to do?"

"Not  _abandon_ Jesus Christ, Phil. You make it sound like I hate my job." 

"I'm not saying that, you just put so much pressure onto yourself that it sends you into a frenzy." His voice grew soft. Dan had to avert his attention, the neurons in his brain were firing in all different directions it made his stomach queasy. 

"I just, I don't know what to do, Phil." 

"Well, let's back track. What do you enjoy most out of filming videos? All of the above, like the gaming channel or when we do things for my channel. What do you like about doing those?"

Dan smiled, "I think you know the answer to that," he nudged him. Phil pushed back just a tad harder. 

"Besides me," Phil laughed. 

"I guess they're... fun?" They both chuckled, "Like, fun to film and they're just effortless. That day when we filmed like seven gaming videos in a row was probably one of the most fun days I've ever had. Because--"

"It didn't feel like work?" 

"It didn't feel like I had to _try_ to be me, I guess." 

Phil pouted, cupping his hand around Dan's cheek and brushed softly. 

"Well, I like it when you're you. It's the best." 

Dan scoffed through his nose, before making gagging noises, "Thanks."

"I mean it, love. You have been so happy, doing things and sharing things years ago we couldn't imagined have been left in a gaming video. I feel like the real you has finally broken out of its tattered shell and is finally living."

Dan smiled again, "I know, yeah." 

"I'm just proud of you, is all." 

They shared a simple kiss. Sweet and innocent, like a story their lips could tell a thousand times. But a rock still hit the bottom of Dan's stomach. 

"I still don't know about my channel though." 

"We don't have to rush into anything."

"But it's been so long since my last video. Like my last  _real_ video."

"Yeah," Phil's fingers found Dan's curls and started to swirl them within his fingers. "Do you want to take a hiatus?" 

Dan frowned, "I don't know," he swallowed 

"Would it be anything different than what you're doing now?"

"Peace of mind to finally come to a conclusion, maybe. But there will probably be a lot of unhappy people if I did that."

"You could specify, if you make a video. Say that you won't completely disappear from the gaming channel or even my channel. Just yours." 

"How pathetic does that sound, though? Almost like I can't do anything without you by my side." Dan sputtered a nervous laugh, "Not like that isn't true, but you get what I mean." 

"I don't think that's what you would mean by the hiatus, though. It's just a creative break. We're on tour, and making videos right now isn't on your priority list." 

"I hate how guilty that makes me feel. I hate that I have to admit myself to that." 

"To what?"

Dan let out a loud sigh, frustration growing tight in his lungs, "That I have to admit that I'm not capable of putting out videos on my fucking main channel. When, like, I was super depressed and was whipping out videos every odd some weeks. I'm  _fine_ now, why is it so fucking hard for me to make a video and put it on my fucking channel? I'm so paranoid of absolutely nothing! What am I even worried about? What people on the internet think of me? They already do anyway, but it's different with a video published. It's like I have this, this overpowering figure inside my head that's dictating me to fucking do something because--" He started to exclaim, his hands gyrating in different directions aggressively. 

"Shhh, hey," Phil shushed him, holding him closer but still loose enough if Dan wanted to let go. He didn't.

"You weren't happy then, and you're not happy with the content you have stored now. And that's okay. Not being proud of how your work turned out has nothing to do with your mental state." 

"I just hate myself when I get like this. I hate how insignificant it all really is. I could delete my channel tomorrow and no one would notice." 

"Hey now, let's not go that far. You know that's not true." Phil was petting Dan's hairline, making sure he could feel the amount of pressure he was putting against his head.

Dan just sighs again, because of course it's not true. Being over dramatic makes reality seem a bit brighter sometimes.  

"I think a hiatus isn't a bad idea. It can take time to come up with new creative ideas."

Dan's head met Phil's shoulder now, their hands still clasped as the bus goes over subtle bumps, "I don't even know if I want to make a video about it, that's so fucking tacky." 

"Then don't."

"Or mention it on Instagram or twitter." 

"Then don't." Phil draws Dan's head toward his by drawing in his chin. He kisses Dan's stubbly cheek before meeting his lips again. "As far as everyone else out there, they probably already suspect that you are on a hiatus. Whatever you want to do, the world doesn't need a full explanation.  If you want to take a break, and a formal one, who is going to stop you?" 

That's when Dan's heart melted by the overwhelming support of his partner. Something he never felt deserving of but never took it for granted. Tears suddenly brimmed his eyes as he tucked himself into Phil so tight he felt like he would bust. "I love you, fuck." He sniffed. 

Phil hugged back warmly. Holding him tight and resting his head on Dan's shoulder, "It'll come back to you, that fiery passion of wanting to upload a video again. It always does." He muttered softly, leaving a gentle kiss at the bottom of Dan's neck. 

"What do I say when everyone starts asking questions?"

"Change the subject, or just say that you're working on it. They don't have to know." 

He thinks of a million retorts for his own audience's sake. But all that doesn't matter right now, he's held tight within Phil's arms and nothing could make him want to leave this moment. The bus winds and sways, making their bodies jostle, but they feel like they're simply back home in their own bed.

"Thank you," 

"Anytime, sugar tits." Phil blows a kiss against Dan's cheek as he erupts in laughter. 

"That was ONE TIME Lester," Dan bit at his ear lobe,  "and you liked it don't even deny it." 

"Of course I loved it, why would I deny that?" They giggled, whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears and sending goosebumps down their spines. 

"Just take one existential crisis at a time." Dan sat back against Phil's chest, looking out the window and admiring the tiny constellations he could see in the night sky. Phil wrapped his arms around Dan's waist and hummed softly in his ear, watching the world pass them by on cruise control. 

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer**  
> I don't think Dan is actually going on a hiatus. Maybe he is, we don't know, and it's okay if he is.  
> I just hope that whatever he puts out next is something he's comfortable and happy with  
> :)


End file.
